Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
