Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
