i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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