i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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