Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I am midnight drunk by noon
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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