I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
