I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
