the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
