i already hear my dad disowning me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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