I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
