Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
