I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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