i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
