note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
