Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
