you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
