I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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