i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
