Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
