frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
