i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Are we still banned from the library?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
