May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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