My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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