remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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