Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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