You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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