I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
