I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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