I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
