she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
