Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
