I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
