I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
