Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
