I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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