I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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