Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
