I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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