Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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