The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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