somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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