remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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