Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
