Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize