im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
