im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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