Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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