The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
