I'm so fucking centered right now
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
