i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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