He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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