I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
where does the pee come out of this thing
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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