Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
