I just pynch a tree in the face
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
