Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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