I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize