Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize