I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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