We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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