i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
