I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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