Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
