So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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