Porn is love you can see.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I smell like Dick and happiness
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize