R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
