I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
