When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hello my rib-scented angel!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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