Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
