sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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