I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
